September

Today is September 1st. I haven’t given an update on my GLP-1 journey in a while. There are several reasons for that.

The most annoying reason I’ve been so quiet is I’ve lost insurance coverage for the GLP-1 medication. My insurance company decided that they were no longer going to cover GLP-1s unless you are diabetic starting October 1st. So, those who are not diabetic are on their own. I’ve been in a bit of a funk since I found out. I started thinking “What does it matter if I do or don’t have enough protein and fiber? In a little over a month, I’m either going to have to pay an arm and a leg to be healthy or give up the GLP-1.” It really has affected my motivation. I’ve been at the same weight for the past three weeks. I can’t seem to get the scale to budge. I wish I had gone up in my dosage at my last visit. I have an appointment with the doctor next week and I hope he will up my prescription and get me three months worth again.

I’m down 29 pounds since starting this GLP-1 journey. I’m down 51 pounds since I started working on my health. I don’t know what I’m going to do if this is the end of my GLP-1 journey. I’m sad. I’m mad.

The Warehouse: A short fiction story (I hope)

Tracy had to walk to work…again.

At 4:30 a.m., she dragged herself out of bed, ate a quick breakfast of one scrambled egg and a cup of cold coffee, got dressed, and prepared for the long walk to work.

Work started at 7:00 a.m., so if she left the house by 6:00, she would probably make it on time.

Probably.

Unless, of course, the traffic lights weren’t working again.

Then she would have to stand at the intersection waiting for a break in traffic before running across and taking her chances.

So many things had stopped working since the new tax reform law went into effect.

The politicians had promised that eliminating property taxes would put money back into people’s pockets. What they hadn’t talked quite as much about was what would happen when that money stopped flowing into the communities that depended on it.

Maintenance crews disappeared.

Equipment broke and stayed broken.

Traffic signals failed.

Roads deteriorated.

Government buildings closed.

There was no money to replace broken equipment and, increasingly, no one left to maintain what still worked.

Tracy wasn’t the only one walking.

Ever since the school buses stopped running, the children walked too.

When funding collapsed, all of the county’s public schools had been consolidated into one location. Some children now walked miles just to get an education.

Calling it a “school” was generous.

It was actually a giant warehouse.

There were no classrooms.

No walls separating one grade from another.

No air conditioning.

And certainly no technology.

All of the county’s remaining public school students were taught by twenty-one volunteer teachers.

Tracy was one of them.

There weren’t many college-educated teachers anymore.

At least, none who were getting paid to teach.

Tracy had an MLS—a Master of Library Science degree—which had become fairly useless once all of the public libraries closed. Years earlier, she had spent her days helping people find books, research information, use computers, and learn.

Now she taught reading.

To everyone.

First grade through twelfth grade.

All in the same enormous room.

At the same time.

You learned to improvise.

By some miracle, the traffic lights were working that morning, and there hadn’t been any civil unrest along her route.

It was going to be a good day.

Tracy arrived at the warehouse at 6:50 a.m., giving her a few minutes to help set up breakfast before the students arrived.

Today’s donated breakfast was a large vat of porridge, hard-boiled eggs, and unsweetened powdered juice.

It wasn’t much, but it was food.

For some of the children, it would be the first thing they had eaten since yesterday’s school lunch.

Eric, the history and physical education teacher, arrived and helped Tracy set out the food.

He was a nice guy, but he was having a hard time teaching history without books.

They had managed to salvage a few books when the public libraries closed, but there weren’t nearly enough for all of the students. Most lessons were now taught from memory.

History had become particularly difficult.

Years of conspiracy theories and misinformation had convinced some of the students—and many of their parents—that almost anything could be true if enough people repeated it.

Eric could tell them what had happened.

Proving it was another matter.

There were no databases to search.

No library archives.

No textbooks for every student.

No reliable internet connection.

Just Eric, a handful of old books, and whatever knowledge he could remember.

Math was even worse.

There wasn’t anyone to teach it.

Adults who were good at mathematics, engineering, science, or technology were quickly recruited by the large private conglomerates.

They made big bucks.

They lived in communities with private schools, private security, private garbage collection, private recreation facilities, and well-maintained roads.

Their children didn’t attend Tracy’s warehouse school.

The community had helped educate many of those adults when they were children.

Now almost none of their money came back to support the community that had educated them.

That was the strange thing about the new system.

Public services had disappeared.

The need for those services hadn’t.

They had simply become things you purchased individually—if you could afford them.

As the students trickled in, Tracy noticed there were fewer of them again.

There seemed to be fewer every day.

Families who could afford it sent their children to private schools.

Everyone else relied on the warehouse.

But even that was changing.

Everything had become so expensive that struggling families were beginning to pull their older children out of school and send them to work.

Education had become a luxury.

For many families, the warehouse school served another important purpose: it provided a safe place for their younger children while the adults worked.

That allowed parents to take whatever jobs they could find.

But once a child was old enough to earn money, work usually won.

Some went to the fields.

Others cleaned houses, watched children, cared for elderly people, or performed household chores for families wealthy enough to hire help.

Each week, another chair at the warehouse was empty.

Then another.

And another.

Eventually, Tracy stopped asking where everyone had gone.

She usually knew.

The school day ended at 11:30 a.m.

Not because anyone believed four and a half hours was enough time to educate a child.

By noon, the Florida sun had heated the metal warehouse to an unbearable temperature.

There was no air conditioning, and keeping hundreds of children inside much longer would be dangerous.

Before sending them home, the volunteers handed each child a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Nobody protested the peanut butter anymore.

Years ago, there had been arguments about allergies, dietary preferences, nutrition, sugar, processed food, and what schools should or shouldn’t serve.

Those arguments disappeared around the same time the funding did.

When peanut butter and jelly became one of the only foods regularly available for free, people stopped complaining about it.

Funny how quickly priorities changed.

The children ate their sandwiches and began their long walks home.

Tracy and the other volunteers straightened the folding tables, swept the warehouse floor, and put away the remaining food.

Then Tracy picked up her bag.

It was time to walk home.

Again.

Tracy’s route home takes her past what used to be her favorite park. They used to hold concerts in the gazebo, and kids would play on the playground. The gazebo is now part of the tent camp for those who lost their housing when things went south. The playground was torn down months ago and sold for scrap.

It is a hot day in September, with “feels like” temperatures around 110 degrees Fahrenheit, and the trash piles around town have started to reek. With no taxes being collected, regular trash pickup stopped. Private companies will still collect it, of course, but only if you can afford their monthly fee. Most people in Tracy’s neighborhood cannot.

Flies and rats have become as common as squirrels once were. Tracy is sure they are in for an outbreak of cholera, typhoid, dysentery, or something else she remembers reading about in history books. Unfortunately, the county health department closed two years ago, so there probably wouldn’t be anyone left to officially declare an outbreak anyway.

All of a sudden, Tracy hears screaming.

“Help! Stop! You’re hurting me!”

It sounds like one of the students from her school.

She follows the sound and finds a young ten-year-old girl named Ettany being dragged down the street by a man three times her age.

“Stop! What are you doing to her? She’s just a kid!” Tracy yells.

The man turns around and approaches her.

“Mind ya business. She gonna fetch me a pretty penny tonight. Got some fellers lookin’ fer a wife, and she’s gonna have herself a new life servin’ her new man.”

He pulls out a knife and keeps dragging Ettany away.

Tracy freezes.

She wants desperately to help, but she knows she cannot overpower him. She is an undernourished, exhausted woman who has been surviving on donated food for months. If she attacks him, there could be two victims instead of one.

So she does the only thing she can think of.

She runs for help.

Her first instinct is to call 911.

She reaches into her pocket and then remembers.

There is no 911 anymore.

The county couldn’t afford enough dispatchers, police officers, firefighters, or paramedics to maintain the system. Emergency services are now provided primarily through subscription companies. People with money pay for private security and ambulance plans.

People like Ettany don’t have plans.

Tracy runs toward what used to be Town Hall.

The building is locked.

A handwritten sign is taped to the front door:

**COUNCIL HOURS**

**TUESDAY & THURSDAY**

**10:00 A.M. – 2:00 P.M.**

**VOLUNTEERS NEEDED**

It is Monday.

Tracy pounds on the door anyway.

“HELP! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP!”

Eventually, an elderly man appears from around the side of the building. Tracy recognizes him as Mr. Walters, a former accountant who now serves on the volunteer council.

“What happened?”

“A man took Ettany! One of my students. She’s ten years old!”

“Did you call security?”

“There is no security!”

Mr. Walters looks down.

They both know this.

The town had four police officers left when the department finally closed. Two went to work for a private security company. One moved away. The fourth now guards the entrance to one of the wealthy communities on the other side of the county.

“What about the sheriff?” Tracy asks.

“County doesn’t have enough deputies. They’re handling violent crimes only.”

“This **is** a violent crime!”

“I know.”

“Then do something!”

“With what, Tracy?”

That stops her.

Mr. Walters isn’t being cruel.

He’s asking a literal question.

With what?

There are no police cars.

No investigators.

No juvenile services.

No functioning local court.

No child protective services.

Even if they find Ettany, who will protect her afterward?

Tracy suddenly understands something she wishes she didn’t.

Laws only mean something when a society has the institutions necessary to enforce them.

The council can declare that ten-year-old girls cannot be sold into marriage.

They can write it on a piece of paper.

They can vote unanimously.

But a law without police, courts, prosecutors, social workers, judges, schools, and functioning government is just a piece of paper.

“I’ll find her myself,” Tracy says.

Mr. Walters looks at her sadly.

“And then what?”

Tracy doesn’t answer.

She finally reaches home shortly before 2:00 p.m.

Her shirt is soaked with sweat.

The electricity is off again.

The private utility company has been rationing power during peak hours because several transformers need replacement. The company says it isn’t profitable to replace equipment in neighborhoods where too many customers cannot afford their bills.

Tracy fills a glass from the kitchen faucet.

The water comes out brown.

She lets it run.

Still brown.

A boil-water notice might have been issued, but the local water department no longer has enough employees to deliver notices door to door. The town website hasn’t worked in six months.

She pours the water back into the sink.

Dinner will probably be another egg.

She sits on her porch and looks down the street.

The pavement is cracked. Weeds grow through the sidewalks. A tree that fell during last month’s tropical storm still blocks half the road.

Hurricane season isn’t over yet.

Nobody talks about that.

The drainage canals haven’t been cleared this year. Several stormwater pumps are broken. The emergency management office closed last spring.

If a major hurricane comes, Tracy has no idea what they will do.

There used to be shelters.

There used to be buses to take elderly residents to safety.

There used to be emergency workers who checked on people afterward.

There used to be people whose entire job was to think about these things before something terrible happened.

Tracy hadn’t known their names.

Most people hadn’t.

They simply expected them to be there.

That evening, her neighbor Joe walks over carrying two warm cans of soda.

“Want one?”

“Sure.”

It tastes terrible.

She drinks it anyway.

Joe sits beside her.

“Remember when everybody complained about property taxes?” he asks.

Tracy laughs.

It isn’t really funny, but she laughs.

“Oh, yeah.”

“My bill was almost three thousand dollars that last year.”

“I remember mine.”

“I was furious.”

“Everybody was.”

Joe takes another drink.

“When they said they were eliminating property taxes, I thought I’d have three thousand extra dollars every year.”

“So did everybody else.”

“Turns out I spend more than that now.”

Tracy looks at him.

“Security fee?”

“Yep. Private trash pickup. Road assessment. Fire subscription. Water surcharge. Emergency medical membership. And my granddaughter’s school wanted twelve thousand dollars a year.”

“Could you pay it?”

“Nope.”

They sit quietly.

“My homeowner’s insurance dropped me too,” Joe continues. “Said there isn’t adequate fire protection in the area anymore.”

Tracy shakes her head.

Three thousand dollars suddenly doesn’t sound like very much.

The next morning, Tracy wakes at 4:30.

One scrambled egg.

Cold coffee.

Another walk to work.

When she reaches the intersection, the traffic lights are out again.

Cars fly through from every direction.

Nobody stops.

Nobody directs traffic.

Tracy waits almost ten minutes before she sees an opening and runs.

She makes it across.

Barely.

At the warehouse school, Eric is already setting out breakfast.

“Any word about Ettany?” he asks.

Tracy shakes her head.

“No.”

Neither of them says anything for a while.

Then the children begin arriving.

Thirty-seven today.

There had been forty-three yesterday.

Sixty-two at the beginning of the month.

More than a hundred last year.

Tracy looks at the children sitting at folding tables in the enormous warehouse.

Some are six years old.

Some are seventeen.

A little boy raises his hand.

“Miss Tracy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“My grandma says everything used to be better.”

A few of the older students laugh.

Tracy smiles.

“Not everything.”

“Did you really have libraries?”

“Yes.”

“With books you could take home?”

“Thousands of them.”

“For free?”

“For everyone.”

His eyes get wide.

“And schools had air conditioning?”

“Yes.”

“And buses picked kids up?”

“Yes.”

Another child joins in.

“My mom says firefighters used to come if your house caught on fire even if you didn’t pay them.”

“They did.”

“And ambulances too?”

“Yes.”

“And people picked up everybody’s garbage?”

“Yes.”

The little boy thinks about this.

“Who paid for all that?”

Tracy looks around the warehouse.

For the first time that morning, the room is completely silent.

She walks over to the battered whiteboard.

She picks up the last working black marker.

At the top she writes one word:

**TAXES**

The children groan.

Tracy laughs.

“I know. Nobody likes them.”

She looks around the room.

“But today we’re going to learn something important.”

She writes another word beneath it:

**COMMUNITY**

“Taxes weren’t money that disappeared,” she says. “They were money we pooled together to pay for things that were too big for most of us to buy by ourselves.”

She starts writing.

**Schools.**

**Roads.**

**Libraries.**

**Police.**

**Firefighters.**

**Ambulances.**

**Parks.**

**Clean water.**

**Courts.**

**Trash collection.**

**Emergency management.**

**Public health.**

The children stare at the board.

One of the older students raises his hand.

“So why did they get rid of them?”

Tracy pauses.

She remembers the rallies.

The signs.

The promises.

**KEEP YOUR MONEY.**

**END PROPERTY TAXES.**

**GOVERNMENT DOESN’T NEED YOUR MONEY.**

She remembers how simple it sounded.

How wonderful it sounded.

Keep your own money.

Who wouldn’t want that?

“Because people were angry about how much they were paying,” Tracy finally says. “And some people convinced them that we could stop paying for government without giving up the things government provided.”

“That’s stupid,” someone says from the back.

Normally Tracy would correct the language.

Today she doesn’t.

Instead, she turns back toward the whiteboard.

“Maybe,” she says. “But there’s another lesson in it.”

She writes:

**Nothing is free.**

“If we want roads, somebody has to build them. If we want schools, somebody has to teach in them. If we want firefighters, somebody has to pay them. If we want clean water, somebody has to test it. If we want laws protecting children, somebody has to enforce them.”

She thinks about Ettany.

Her voice catches.

“And when we decide we don’t want to pay for those things anymore, they don’t magically become free.”

She underlines the words **Nothing is free.**

“They disappear.”

A little girl in the front raises her hand.

“Miss Tracy?”

“Yes?”

“Can we get everything back?”

Tracy looks at the children.

She wants to tell them yes.

She wants to tell them that adults will fix everything.

But adults created this mess.

“I don’t know,” she says.

Then she looks at the battered books stacked against the warehouse wall.

“But I know where we start.”

She hands the little girl a book.

“We learn.”

Outside, the Florida sun continues climbing.

The traffic light at the intersection goes dark again.

Trash blows across what used to be a soccer field.

And thirty-seven children pull their chairs closer to Tracy.

For the first time in a very long time, nobody complains about paying attention.

What would be your last meal?

Have you ever thought about what you would choose as your last meal? Mike and I have started watching The Mythical Kitchen on YouTube. One of their things is inviting celebrities to eat their last meal. We recently watched the episode with Chef Jose Andres. I have been a big fan of this chef ever since he and his World Central Kitchen came to Charlotte County and fed those of us dealing with Hurricane Ian in 2022. Here is the link to his video: https://youtu.be/XM6fwb_51hc?si=zXaEIMUe7cLPA-oJ

If you are in a giving mood, please make a donation to World Central Kitchen. They are a wonderful organization.

I started thinking about what I would choose if I were ever invited to be on an episode.t I am both happy and horrified to report that two of my chosen items would include hot dogs. A lot of my choices are foods I ate as a child.

My first request would be a fried clam strip on a roll. We used to get these at shacks in New England when we were camping during the Summer. They were delicious.

Who remembers Howard Johnson’s? Good old Ho Jo’s. This is another place our parents used to take us when we were on vacation. Every time we would go to Ho Jo’s, I would order the beans and weenies with brown bread.

Bowl of baked beans with sausage pieces and a slice of rye bread with butter on a diner table
Beans and weenies. The bread is not correct, but it is close enough.
Brown bread with raisins from a can

My other favorite food is one my Mom used to make for us – hot dog loaf. Mom would get a nice big loaf of Italian bread She would cut slices in it but not all the way through She would then cut the hot dogs in half and place them sticking out of the sides of the slices She made a sauce of ketchup, mustard, and pickle relish and spread it on the hot dogs and place some shreaded cheese on it Then it would go in the oven for a while Simple yet delicious. I wish I had a photo of one so you could see how yummy it looks.

Loaf of bread stuffed with hot dogs topped with melted cheese, mustard, and ketchup on a wooden cutting board
A rustic loaf filled with hot dogs, melted cheese, mustard and ketchup. This is a close representation of my Mom’s hot dog loaf.

And now it is time for some of the most delicious food I’ve had…all at Disney Springs in Orlando, FL.

  1. Morimoto, Asia – The peking duck. It is a meal that Mike and I shared. The duck was lucious. It was an experience that I think of often.
  2. STK – Brussels Sprouts! Yes, I said brussel sprouts. Those stinky little baby cabbages have never been my favorite. However, the way that STK prepared these made them cravable – sliced thin, fried crispy, crispy bacon, raspberry vinaigrette. I have not found anything like them anywhere.
  3. Terralina, Crafted Italian – The food is good here, but what I would eat every day, if I could, is their bread and roasted garlic. The basket of bread comes with a roasted head of garlic. Take a piece of bread, squeeze a roasted garlic clove onto it and spread. The most delicious explosion of flavor I’ve ever eaten and it’s only bread, garlic and olive oil!

I have a Univeral CityWalk place to mention as well. VIVO Italian Kitchen, located at the CityWalk is worth a visit. The food was delicious, but I would request the Venetian Mule cocktail during my last meal. It is made with New Amsterdam vodka, Aperol, lime juice, and ginger beer. Light and refreshing, it is one of my top 5 favorite cocktails.

Copper mug cocktail with lime slice, mint leaves, rosemary sprig, and blackberry garnish
A refreshing copper mug cocktail garnished with lime, mint, rosemary, and blackberry at Vivo Italian Kitchen

I would also ask for a crunchy peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich on Wonder Bread.

So, what would be in your chosen last meal?

Thanks for reading.

Random thoughts…

I couldn’t decide what I wanted to write about today so I decided to share some random thoughts.

  • Happy Father’s Day – I don’t know how to celebrate this year. Last year was the first Father’s Day after my dad passed. There was a lot more sadness last year. This year I am a bit more introspective. I have been thinking more about the good times we had with my dad.
  • Tiny ducks – The Jeep duck craze has spread into every kind of little plastic figure you can think of, and people are hiding them all over. You never know what you will find. I have quite a collection on my desk at work. It is one of those things that bring a smile to your face when you find one. I have found mushrooms, gnomes, owls, many different ducks, a seal, and many more.
  • It is HOT – It has been so hot in Florida this week. The A/C at the house can’t keep up. When it gets uncomfortable, it is time to go for a ride and enjoy the car’s A/C.
  • I still enjoy my job. It is NOT boring. At the end of the day I feel like I’ve accomplished something. 99.9% of my coworkers are 100% awesome.
  • I found a craft group to join. Next Saturday will be the first day I participate. I honestly can’t wait. I went to a small crafting program last weekend all by myself and had a ball.
  • Only 5 months and 9 days left till Hurricane Season is over.
  • I don’t have as many random thoughts in my head as I thought.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

That darn algorithm! NOT!

Most of the time, I despise how social media uses its algorithms to send targeted posts and ads to your feed. However, over the past two weeks, the algorithm has been sending me info that is not only relevant but also inspiring.

CRAFTING GET-TOGETHERS!!

I have received ads for funny flower pot painting, paper crafting, painting, crochet-alongs, and more. For the first time in a while my crafting juices are flowing. I feel inspired.

Today, I went to a local coffee shop to paint air fresheners. I know that sounds weird but it was really fun. The SALTY one with the turtle and starfish is black raspberry vanilla scented. The butterfly is champagne-apple and honey scented. They are strong scents but I like them.

The ad said the craft even would be from 4 – 7 PM. The coffee shop was already crowded when I got there at 3:50 PM. I was the only solo participant. I was also the only one without children. Everyone shared the paint and glitter. Everyone complimented each other on their freshie.

It took me about an hour to paint and glitter my two freshies. I had a lovely cold brew coffee while I was there.

Sometimes the simplest of activities can refresh your soul. Today it was painting airfresheners.

Thanks for reading.

My 5-Month GLP-1 Update: 25.6 Pounds Down and 20.4 Inches Lost

Five months ago, I started my GLP-1 journey hoping to improve my health and finally find something that would help me build sustainable habits. Today, I’m celebrating a milestone that feels about so much more than weight loss: I’m down 25.6 pounds and have lost a total of 20.4 inches from my body.

While I’m proud of those numbers, some of my biggest victories can’t be measured on a scale.

The Progress So Far

The weight loss has been exciting, but tracking my measurements has shown me just how much my body is changing. There have been weeks when the scale barely moved, and in the past, that would have completely discouraged me.

Now I know better.

Even during those slower weeks, my body has continued to change. The inches I’ve lost tell a much bigger story than the scale alone ever could.

My Favorite Non-Scale Victories

Some of the moments that have made me stop and smile over the past five months include:

  • Being able to bend down and touch the floor more easily.
  • Reaching my arms behind my back and actually being able to hold my hands together.
  • Walking up stairs without feeling as winded or exhausted.
  • Having energy left after work instead of feeling completely drained.
  • Joining a gym and actually going consistently.
  • Tracking my workouts and seeing my strength and endurance improve over time.
  • Watching my clothes fit differently, even when the scale isn’t moving much.

These are the kinds of changes that remind me this journey is about improving my quality of life, not just chasing a number.

Building New Habits

One of the things I’m most proud of is the consistency I’ve developed.

Instead of constantly starting over, I’ve been showing up for myself. Joining a gym felt intimidating at first, but now it’s become part of my routine. Tracking my workouts has helped me stay motivated because I can see tangible progress in what my body is capable of doing.

I’ve also noticed that healthy choices don’t feel like such a battle anymore. The constant food noise has quieted down, making it easier to focus on fueling my body rather than fighting cravings all day. Even during stressful times, I haven’t wanted to stress eat, and THAT is a miracle.

The Reality of the Journey

This hasn’t been a perfect five months.

There have been plateaus. There have been weeks when I expected the scale to move and it didn’t. There have been moments of frustration and impatience.

But I’ve learned that progress isn’t always reflected by a lower number on weigh-in day.

Sometimes progress looks like another inch lost.
Sometimes it looks like lifting a heavier weight.
Sometimes it looks like climbing stairs without needing a break.
Sometimes it looks like having enough energy to enjoy life after work.

Those wins matter too.

What I’ve Learned After Five Months

If these five months have taught me anything, it’s that success isn’t just about weight loss.

It’s about moving better.
Feeling stronger.
Having more energy.
Building confidence.
Creating habits that I can actually maintain long-term.

The scale is one measurement of progress, but it isn’t the only one.

Looking Ahead

Five months in, I’m incredibly grateful for how far I’ve come. Losing 25.6 pounds and 20.4 inches is something worth celebrating, but what excites me most is how much better I feel physically and mentally.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m building a healthier lifestyle that I can sustain.

I’m looking forward to seeing what the next five months bring, and I’ll continue celebrating every victory—both on and off the scale.

Twenty-five pounds down is exciting. Being able to touch the floor, climb stairs without struggling, and still have energy after work? Those are the victories that have truly changed my life.

I Thought the House Sale Would Set Me Free***

I am tired in a way that sleep cannot fix.

For a year now, I have carried the weight of my father’s estate on my shoulders. Not just the paperwork, not just the legal responsibilities, but the emotional burden of being the one who had to step in and handle everything.

When Dad died, I said yes to being Executor because I loved him. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to make sure his affairs were handled properly and with dignity. I never imagined that one decision would consume so much of my life.

So very much. (Had I known that I could refuse the appointment, I most certainly would have.)

At sixty years old, I thought I would be spending my time focusing on my own future, my own happiness, my own retirement dreams. Instead, I have spent countless nights staring at spreadsheets, reading legal documents, answering emails, dealing with creditors, managing a house 1,200 miles away, and trying to navigate family relationships that often left me feeling completely alone.

No one tells you that being an Executor can break your heart.

No one tells you that grief doesn’t end with the funeral.

Sometimes grief becomes paperwork.

Sometimes grief becomes arguments.

Sometimes grief becomes resentment.

And sometimes grief becomes a burden so heavy that you start to wonder if you will ever put it down.

Living so far away made everything harder. Every problem felt impossible. Every decision required more of my money, another phone call, another email, another sacrifice. I was constantly trying to solve problems from a distance while everyone else seemed to have an opinion about what should be done.

The truth is that people are very generous with advice when they don’t have to carry the responsibility.

Everyone has suggestions.

Everyone has complaints.

Everyone has expectations.

But at the end of the day, I was the one signing the documents. I was the one making the difficult decisions. I was the one who would be held accountable if something went wrong.

And yet somehow, I often felt like the villain.

There were moments when I felt manipulated. Moments when guilt was used against me. Moments when I questioned whether anyone truly understood what I was carrying.

There was a point where I actually started to petition the court to release me as Executir and have a court appointed Adminstrator. I wish I had done that.

I spent so much time trying to be fair that I forgot how to be kind to myself.

The house became my obsession.

I convinced myself that once the house sold, everything would finally be over.

I clung to that hope during the worst moments.

Just get the house sold.

Just make it to closing.

Just get through this one last hurdle.

Then you’ll be free.

That promise kept me going.

When the closing finally happened, I should have felt relief.

Instead, I felt numb.

Suburban single-family house with sold sign on lawn
A charming suburban house with a ‘Sold’ real estate sign in front

The final numbers showed what I had feared all along.

The reverse mortgage took everything.

There was nothing left.

No inheritance.

No distributions.

No checks to send to the beneficiaries.

Nothing.

I sat there staring at the numbers thinking, “How can months of work end with nothing?”

How can so much effort, stress, sacrifice, and emotional pain lead to an empty account?

I wasn’t grieving the money.

I was grieving the hope.

The hope that there would be some positive ending.

The hope that all of this struggle would lead somewhere.

The hope that my father’s final chapter would bring our family together instead of exposing every crack that already existed.

Instead, I was left with the crushing realization that there was nothing to distribute except disappointment.

And even now, it still isn’t over.

One of my brothers owes the estate a lot of money.

To resolve it, he will make payments each month.

For nearly four years.

Four more years.

When I tell people that, they don’t understand why I get emotional.

But those four years aren’t just numbers on a calendar.

They represent four more years of being tied to this estate.

Four more years of tracking payments.

Four more years of records and reminders.

Four more years of wondering whether the next payment will arrive.

Four more years before I can finally close the file that has taken over so much of my life.

I feel trapped.

I feel angry.

I feel guilty for being angry.

I feel resentful that my life continues to be dictated by responsibilities I never asked for.

Most of all, I feel exhausted.

There are days when I look back and realize that I have spent this time carrying everyone else’s problems while neglecting my own needs, being responsible, being the strong one, holding everything together.

And sometimes I wonder who was holding me together. (I know the answer – my awesome, loving husband.)

I miss my father.

Not the estate.

Not the paperwork.

Not the house.

I miss my dad.

I miss the man who existed before the debts, before the reverse mortgage, before probate, before family conflict turned every conversation into a negotiation.

I wish I could remember him without immediately thinking about legal documents and financial statements.

I wish his memory wasn’t tangled up in stress and obligation.

I wish this chapter had ended differently.

Most days, I keep moving because I don’t know what else to do.

I check another box.

File another document.

Answer another email.

Make another phone call.

And I tell myself that eventually there will be an end.

But if I’m honest, there are moments when I lose sight of that end completely.

Moments when I sit quietly and wonder how much longer I can carry this weight.

Moments when I feel forgotten.

Moments when I feel used.

Moments when I feel like the cost of doing the right thing has been far greater than anyone realizes.

The house has sold.

The estate is almost finished.

Yet I still don’t feel free.

I feel sad.

I feel worn out.

I feel disappointed.

I feel angry.

I feel heartbroken by what grief, money, and responsibility can do to a family.

And some days, after all this time, I simply sit with the overwhelming thought that I have given so much of myself to this process that I am no longer sure how much is left.

I know I will get through it.

I always do.

But right now, I am tired.

So very, very tired.

***Yes, I know that if certain people read this, they will be upset. I might worry if I thought that any of them would read this, but I know they won’t. That just adds to my sadness.

2026 – My year of self-care

This year, I resolve to turn inward with intention, not avoidance.

I will:

  • Let myself rest without guilt, understanding that rest is productive when healing and clarity are required.
  • Honor my grief in whatever form it shows up, without rushing it or explaining it away.
  • Choose peace over being right, and disengage from arguments that cost me my calm.
  • Set firmer boundaries—not as punishment, but as protection.
  • Trust my instincts, even when others question them.
  • Release responsibility for fixing people or situations that are not mine to carry.
  • Make space for joy without waiting for permission, even in the midst of hard seasons.
  • Speak to myself with the same kindness I offer others, especially on the days I fall short.
  • Celebrate progress, not perfection.
  • Believe that good things can arrive softly, without chaos or struggle attached.

This year isn’t about becoming someone new.

It’s about returning to myself—steadier, braver, and more at ease.

See you next year!