Where were you?

Where were you 25 years ago when the first plane hit the World Trade Center? That is the question of the day. It is hard to imagine that there are adults who were not alive when this horrible thing happened. To those who were here and remember that day, where were you?

I was sitting at my recently relocated desk at the small tech company I worked for. I was the only one sitting in this newly set up part of the office. I was working when one of my coworkers came in and told me that a plane flew into the World Trade Center. While we tried to find out more information, I remembered that I had set up travel for our boss, Jay, to fly to California that morning. I quickly looked up the flight number as the news was telling us the flight number of the plane the hit the North Tower. Flight 11 – the plane that he was supposed to be on. Of course, we couldn’t get ahold of him. Cell phones were not working. Needless to say, everyone in the office was in shock. I don’t remember the timing but we eventually heard from Jay. He had switched his flight the night before and was NOT on Flight 11. While we were relieved, we were all still a mess as we watched the next plane hit the South Tower. The management of this small office made the decision to close and send us all home to our families.

As I drove from Stanhope, NJ to Vernon, NJ, I noticed the lack of cars on the road and the absence of planes in the sky. It was surreal. Being so close to Newark and the other NY area airports, planes were always in the sky. It was eerily quiet. When I got home, I sat and watched this horrible day unfold with my family.

The next day, the world was different. Remember how everyone came together? It didn’t matter if you were Democrat or Republican, white or black, gay or straight – we were all there for each other in our pain. Where did that go? What has happened to that? Why are we always at each other’s throats now? Why has anger and hatred taken over where kindness and compassion grew?

I remember how small communities in Canada took in our stranded countrymen when all air traffic was shut down. As our closest ally, they showed kindness and compassion to our citizens who were stranded. Now the our government is in a trade spat with their government. How did we go from kindness and compassion to this???

So, today, in memory of those lost that day – from passengers, office workers, and first responders – I will choose kindness.

September

Today is September 1st. I haven’t given an update on my GLP-1 journey in a while. There are several reasons for that.

The most annoying reason I’ve been so quiet is I’ve lost insurance coverage for the GLP-1 medication. My insurance company decided that they were no longer going to cover GLP-1s unless you are diabetic starting October 1st. So, those who are not diabetic are on their own. I’ve been in a bit of a funk since I found out. I started thinking “What does it matter if I do or don’t have enough protein and fiber? In a little over a month, I’m either going to have to pay an arm and a leg to be healthy or give up the GLP-1.” It really has affected my motivation. I’ve been at the same weight for the past three weeks. I can’t seem to get the scale to budge. I wish I had gone up in my dosage at my last visit. I have an appointment with the doctor next week and I hope he will up my prescription and get me three months worth again.

I’m down 29 pounds since starting this GLP-1 journey. I’m down 51 pounds since I started working on my health. I don’t know what I’m going to do if this is the end of my GLP-1 journey. I’m sad. I’m mad.

The Warehouse: A short fiction story (I hope)

Tracy had to walk to work…again.

At 4:30 a.m., she dragged herself out of bed, ate a quick breakfast of one scrambled egg and a cup of cold coffee, got dressed, and prepared for the long walk to work.

Work started at 7:00 a.m., so if she left the house by 6:00, she would probably make it on time.

Probably.

Unless, of course, the traffic lights weren’t working again.

Then she would have to stand at the intersection waiting for a break in traffic before running across and taking her chances.

So many things had stopped working since the new tax reform law went into effect.

The politicians had promised that eliminating property taxes would put money back into people’s pockets. What they hadn’t talked quite as much about was what would happen when that money stopped flowing into the communities that depended on it.

Maintenance crews disappeared.

Equipment broke and stayed broken.

Traffic signals failed.

Roads deteriorated.

Government buildings closed.

There was no money to replace broken equipment and, increasingly, no one left to maintain what still worked.

Tracy wasn’t the only one walking.

Ever since the school buses stopped running, the children walked too.

When funding collapsed, all of the county’s public schools had been consolidated into one location. Some children now walked miles just to get an education.

Calling it a “school” was generous.

It was actually a giant warehouse.

There were no classrooms.

No walls separating one grade from another.

No air conditioning.

And certainly no technology.

All of the county’s remaining public school students were taught by twenty-one volunteer teachers.

Tracy was one of them.

There weren’t many college-educated teachers anymore.

At least, none who were getting paid to teach.

Tracy had an MLS—a Master of Library Science degree—which had become fairly useless once all of the public libraries closed. Years earlier, she had spent her days helping people find books, research information, use computers, and learn.

Now she taught reading.

To everyone.

First grade through twelfth grade.

All in the same enormous room.

At the same time.

You learned to improvise.

By some miracle, the traffic lights were working that morning, and there hadn’t been any civil unrest along her route.

It was going to be a good day.

Tracy arrived at the warehouse at 6:50 a.m., giving her a few minutes to help set up breakfast before the students arrived.

Today’s donated breakfast was a large vat of porridge, hard-boiled eggs, and unsweetened powdered juice.

It wasn’t much, but it was food.

For some of the children, it would be the first thing they had eaten since yesterday’s school lunch.

Eric, the history and physical education teacher, arrived and helped Tracy set out the food.

He was a nice guy, but he was having a hard time teaching history without books.

They had managed to salvage a few books when the public libraries closed, but there weren’t nearly enough for all of the students. Most lessons were now taught from memory.

History had become particularly difficult.

Years of conspiracy theories and misinformation had convinced some of the students—and many of their parents—that almost anything could be true if enough people repeated it.

Eric could tell them what had happened.

Proving it was another matter.

There were no databases to search.

No library archives.

No textbooks for every student.

No reliable internet connection.

Just Eric, a handful of old books, and whatever knowledge he could remember.

Math was even worse.

There wasn’t anyone to teach it.

Adults who were good at mathematics, engineering, science, or technology were quickly recruited by the large private conglomerates.

They made big bucks.

They lived in communities with private schools, private security, private garbage collection, private recreation facilities, and well-maintained roads.

Their children didn’t attend Tracy’s warehouse school.

The community had helped educate many of those adults when they were children.

Now almost none of their money came back to support the community that had educated them.

That was the strange thing about the new system.

Public services had disappeared.

The need for those services hadn’t.

They had simply become things you purchased individually—if you could afford them.

As the students trickled in, Tracy noticed there were fewer of them again.

There seemed to be fewer every day.

Families who could afford it sent their children to private schools.

Everyone else relied on the warehouse.

But even that was changing.

Everything had become so expensive that struggling families were beginning to pull their older children out of school and send them to work.

Education had become a luxury.

For many families, the warehouse school served another important purpose: it provided a safe place for their younger children while the adults worked.

That allowed parents to take whatever jobs they could find.

But once a child was old enough to earn money, work usually won.

Some went to the fields.

Others cleaned houses, watched children, cared for elderly people, or performed household chores for families wealthy enough to hire help.

Each week, another chair at the warehouse was empty.

Then another.

And another.

Eventually, Tracy stopped asking where everyone had gone.

She usually knew.

The school day ended at 11:30 a.m.

Not because anyone believed four and a half hours was enough time to educate a child.

By noon, the Florida sun had heated the metal warehouse to an unbearable temperature.

There was no air conditioning, and keeping hundreds of children inside much longer would be dangerous.

Before sending them home, the volunteers handed each child a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Nobody protested the peanut butter anymore.

Years ago, there had been arguments about allergies, dietary preferences, nutrition, sugar, processed food, and what schools should or shouldn’t serve.

Those arguments disappeared around the same time the funding did.

When peanut butter and jelly became one of the only foods regularly available for free, people stopped complaining about it.

Funny how quickly priorities changed.

The children ate their sandwiches and began their long walks home.

Tracy and the other volunteers straightened the folding tables, swept the warehouse floor, and put away the remaining food.

Then Tracy picked up her bag.

It was time to walk home.

Again.

Tracy’s route home takes her past what used to be her favorite park. They used to hold concerts in the gazebo, and kids would play on the playground. The gazebo is now part of the tent camp for those who lost their housing when things went south. The playground was torn down months ago and sold for scrap.

It is a hot day in September, with “feels like” temperatures around 110 degrees Fahrenheit, and the trash piles around town have started to reek. With no taxes being collected, regular trash pickup stopped. Private companies will still collect it, of course, but only if you can afford their monthly fee. Most people in Tracy’s neighborhood cannot.

Flies and rats have become as common as squirrels once were. Tracy is sure they are in for an outbreak of cholera, typhoid, dysentery, or something else she remembers reading about in history books. Unfortunately, the county health department closed two years ago, so there probably wouldn’t be anyone left to officially declare an outbreak anyway.

All of a sudden, Tracy hears screaming.

“Help! Stop! You’re hurting me!”

It sounds like one of the students from her school.

She follows the sound and finds a young ten-year-old girl named Ettany being dragged down the street by a man three times her age.

“Stop! What are you doing to her? She’s just a kid!” Tracy yells.

The man turns around and approaches her.

“Mind ya business. She gonna fetch me a pretty penny tonight. Got some fellers lookin’ fer a wife, and she’s gonna have herself a new life servin’ her new man.”

He pulls out a knife and keeps dragging Ettany away.

Tracy freezes.

She wants desperately to help, but she knows she cannot overpower him. She is an undernourished, exhausted woman who has been surviving on donated food for months. If she attacks him, there could be two victims instead of one.

So she does the only thing she can think of.

She runs for help.

Her first instinct is to call 911.

She reaches into her pocket and then remembers.

There is no 911 anymore.

The county couldn’t afford enough dispatchers, police officers, firefighters, or paramedics to maintain the system. Emergency services are now provided primarily through subscription companies. People with money pay for private security and ambulance plans.

People like Ettany don’t have plans.

Tracy runs toward what used to be Town Hall.

The building is locked.

A handwritten sign is taped to the front door:

**COUNCIL HOURS**

**TUESDAY & THURSDAY**

**10:00 A.M. – 2:00 P.M.**

**VOLUNTEERS NEEDED**

It is Monday.

Tracy pounds on the door anyway.

“HELP! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP!”

Eventually, an elderly man appears from around the side of the building. Tracy recognizes him as Mr. Walters, a former accountant who now serves on the volunteer council.

“What happened?”

“A man took Ettany! One of my students. She’s ten years old!”

“Did you call security?”

“There is no security!”

Mr. Walters looks down.

They both know this.

The town had four police officers left when the department finally closed. Two went to work for a private security company. One moved away. The fourth now guards the entrance to one of the wealthy communities on the other side of the county.

“What about the sheriff?” Tracy asks.

“County doesn’t have enough deputies. They’re handling violent crimes only.”

“This **is** a violent crime!”

“I know.”

“Then do something!”

“With what, Tracy?”

That stops her.

Mr. Walters isn’t being cruel.

He’s asking a literal question.

With what?

There are no police cars.

No investigators.

No juvenile services.

No functioning local court.

No child protective services.

Even if they find Ettany, who will protect her afterward?

Tracy suddenly understands something she wishes she didn’t.

Laws only mean something when a society has the institutions necessary to enforce them.

The council can declare that ten-year-old girls cannot be sold into marriage.

They can write it on a piece of paper.

They can vote unanimously.

But a law without police, courts, prosecutors, social workers, judges, schools, and functioning government is just a piece of paper.

“I’ll find her myself,” Tracy says.

Mr. Walters looks at her sadly.

“And then what?”

Tracy doesn’t answer.

She finally reaches home shortly before 2:00 p.m.

Her shirt is soaked with sweat.

The electricity is off again.

The private utility company has been rationing power during peak hours because several transformers need replacement. The company says it isn’t profitable to replace equipment in neighborhoods where too many customers cannot afford their bills.

Tracy fills a glass from the kitchen faucet.

The water comes out brown.

She lets it run.

Still brown.

A boil-water notice might have been issued, but the local water department no longer has enough employees to deliver notices door to door. The town website hasn’t worked in six months.

She pours the water back into the sink.

Dinner will probably be another egg.

She sits on her porch and looks down the street.

The pavement is cracked. Weeds grow through the sidewalks. A tree that fell during last month’s tropical storm still blocks half the road.

Hurricane season isn’t over yet.

Nobody talks about that.

The drainage canals haven’t been cleared this year. Several stormwater pumps are broken. The emergency management office closed last spring.

If a major hurricane comes, Tracy has no idea what they will do.

There used to be shelters.

There used to be buses to take elderly residents to safety.

There used to be emergency workers who checked on people afterward.

There used to be people whose entire job was to think about these things before something terrible happened.

Tracy hadn’t known their names.

Most people hadn’t.

They simply expected them to be there.

That evening, her neighbor Joe walks over carrying two warm cans of soda.

“Want one?”

“Sure.”

It tastes terrible.

She drinks it anyway.

Joe sits beside her.

“Remember when everybody complained about property taxes?” he asks.

Tracy laughs.

It isn’t really funny, but she laughs.

“Oh, yeah.”

“My bill was almost three thousand dollars that last year.”

“I remember mine.”

“I was furious.”

“Everybody was.”

Joe takes another drink.

“When they said they were eliminating property taxes, I thought I’d have three thousand extra dollars every year.”

“So did everybody else.”

“Turns out I spend more than that now.”

Tracy looks at him.

“Security fee?”

“Yep. Private trash pickup. Road assessment. Fire subscription. Water surcharge. Emergency medical membership. And my granddaughter’s school wanted twelve thousand dollars a year.”

“Could you pay it?”

“Nope.”

They sit quietly.

“My homeowner’s insurance dropped me too,” Joe continues. “Said there isn’t adequate fire protection in the area anymore.”

Tracy shakes her head.

Three thousand dollars suddenly doesn’t sound like very much.

The next morning, Tracy wakes at 4:30.

One scrambled egg.

Cold coffee.

Another walk to work.

When she reaches the intersection, the traffic lights are out again.

Cars fly through from every direction.

Nobody stops.

Nobody directs traffic.

Tracy waits almost ten minutes before she sees an opening and runs.

She makes it across.

Barely.

At the warehouse school, Eric is already setting out breakfast.

“Any word about Ettany?” he asks.

Tracy shakes her head.

“No.”

Neither of them says anything for a while.

Then the children begin arriving.

Thirty-seven today.

There had been forty-three yesterday.

Sixty-two at the beginning of the month.

More than a hundred last year.

Tracy looks at the children sitting at folding tables in the enormous warehouse.

Some are six years old.

Some are seventeen.

A little boy raises his hand.

“Miss Tracy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“My grandma says everything used to be better.”

A few of the older students laugh.

Tracy smiles.

“Not everything.”

“Did you really have libraries?”

“Yes.”

“With books you could take home?”

“Thousands of them.”

“For free?”

“For everyone.”

His eyes get wide.

“And schools had air conditioning?”

“Yes.”

“And buses picked kids up?”

“Yes.”

Another child joins in.

“My mom says firefighters used to come if your house caught on fire even if you didn’t pay them.”

“They did.”

“And ambulances too?”

“Yes.”

“And people picked up everybody’s garbage?”

“Yes.”

The little boy thinks about this.

“Who paid for all that?”

Tracy looks around the warehouse.

For the first time that morning, the room is completely silent.

She walks over to the battered whiteboard.

She picks up the last working black marker.

At the top she writes one word:

**TAXES**

The children groan.

Tracy laughs.

“I know. Nobody likes them.”

She looks around the room.

“But today we’re going to learn something important.”

She writes another word beneath it:

**COMMUNITY**

“Taxes weren’t money that disappeared,” she says. “They were money we pooled together to pay for things that were too big for most of us to buy by ourselves.”

She starts writing.

**Schools.**

**Roads.**

**Libraries.**

**Police.**

**Firefighters.**

**Ambulances.**

**Parks.**

**Clean water.**

**Courts.**

**Trash collection.**

**Emergency management.**

**Public health.**

The children stare at the board.

One of the older students raises his hand.

“So why did they get rid of them?”

Tracy pauses.

She remembers the rallies.

The signs.

The promises.

**KEEP YOUR MONEY.**

**END PROPERTY TAXES.**

**GOVERNMENT DOESN’T NEED YOUR MONEY.**

She remembers how simple it sounded.

How wonderful it sounded.

Keep your own money.

Who wouldn’t want that?

“Because people were angry about how much they were paying,” Tracy finally says. “And some people convinced them that we could stop paying for government without giving up the things government provided.”

“That’s stupid,” someone says from the back.

Normally Tracy would correct the language.

Today she doesn’t.

Instead, she turns back toward the whiteboard.

“Maybe,” she says. “But there’s another lesson in it.”

She writes:

**Nothing is free.**

“If we want roads, somebody has to build them. If we want schools, somebody has to teach in them. If we want firefighters, somebody has to pay them. If we want clean water, somebody has to test it. If we want laws protecting children, somebody has to enforce them.”

She thinks about Ettany.

Her voice catches.

“And when we decide we don’t want to pay for those things anymore, they don’t magically become free.”

She underlines the words **Nothing is free.**

“They disappear.”

A little girl in the front raises her hand.

“Miss Tracy?”

“Yes?”

“Can we get everything back?”

Tracy looks at the children.

She wants to tell them yes.

She wants to tell them that adults will fix everything.

But adults created this mess.

“I don’t know,” she says.

Then she looks at the battered books stacked against the warehouse wall.

“But I know where we start.”

She hands the little girl a book.

“We learn.”

Outside, the Florida sun continues climbing.

The traffic light at the intersection goes dark again.

Trash blows across what used to be a soccer field.

And thirty-seven children pull their chairs closer to Tracy.

For the first time in a very long time, nobody complains about paying attention.

I Thought the House Sale Would Set Me Free***

I am tired in a way that sleep cannot fix.

For a year now, I have carried the weight of my father’s estate on my shoulders. Not just the paperwork, not just the legal responsibilities, but the emotional burden of being the one who had to step in and handle everything.

When Dad died, I said yes to being Executor because I loved him. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to make sure his affairs were handled properly and with dignity. I never imagined that one decision would consume so much of my life.

So very much. (Had I known that I could refuse the appointment, I most certainly would have.)

At sixty years old, I thought I would be spending my time focusing on my own future, my own happiness, my own retirement dreams. Instead, I have spent countless nights staring at spreadsheets, reading legal documents, answering emails, dealing with creditors, managing a house 1,200 miles away, and trying to navigate family relationships that often left me feeling completely alone.

No one tells you that being an Executor can break your heart.

No one tells you that grief doesn’t end with the funeral.

Sometimes grief becomes paperwork.

Sometimes grief becomes arguments.

Sometimes grief becomes resentment.

And sometimes grief becomes a burden so heavy that you start to wonder if you will ever put it down.

Living so far away made everything harder. Every problem felt impossible. Every decision required more of my money, another phone call, another email, another sacrifice. I was constantly trying to solve problems from a distance while everyone else seemed to have an opinion about what should be done.

The truth is that people are very generous with advice when they don’t have to carry the responsibility.

Everyone has suggestions.

Everyone has complaints.

Everyone has expectations.

But at the end of the day, I was the one signing the documents. I was the one making the difficult decisions. I was the one who would be held accountable if something went wrong.

And yet somehow, I often felt like the villain.

There were moments when I felt manipulated. Moments when guilt was used against me. Moments when I questioned whether anyone truly understood what I was carrying.

There was a point where I actually started to petition the court to release me as Executor and have a court appointed Adminstrator. I wish I had done that.

I spent so much time trying to be fair that I forgot how to be kind to myself.

The house became my obsession.

I convinced myself that once the house sold, everything would finally be over.

I clung to that hope during the worst moments.

Just get the house sold.

Just make it to closing.

Just get through this one last hurdle.

Then you’ll be free.

That promise kept me going.

When the closing finally happened, I should have felt relief.

Instead, I felt numb.

Suburban single-family house with sold sign on lawn
A charming suburban house with a ‘Sold’ real estate sign in front

The final numbers showed what I had feared all along.

The reverse mortgage took everything.

There was nothing left.

No inheritance.

No distributions.

No checks to send to the beneficiaries.

Nothing.

I sat there staring at the numbers thinking, “How can months of work end with nothing?”

How can so much effort, stress, sacrifice, and emotional pain lead to an empty account?

I wasn’t grieving the money.

I was grieving the hope.

The hope that there would be some positive ending.

The hope that all of this struggle would lead somewhere.

The hope that my father’s final chapter would bring our family together instead of exposing every crack that already existed.

Instead, I was left with the crushing realization that there was nothing to distribute except disappointment.

And even now, it still isn’t over.

One of my brothers owes the estate a lot of money.

To resolve it, he will make payments each month.

For nearly four years.

Four more years.

When I tell people that, they don’t understand why I get emotional.

But those four years aren’t just numbers on a calendar.

They represent four more years of being tied to this estate.

Four more years of tracking payments.

Four more years of records and reminders.

Four more years of wondering whether the next payment will arrive.

Four more years before I can finally close the file that has taken over so much of my life.

I feel trapped.

I feel angry.

I feel guilty for being angry.

I feel resentful that my life continues to be dictated by responsibilities I never asked for.

Most of all, I feel exhausted.

There are days when I look back and realize that I have spent this time carrying everyone else’s problems while neglecting my own needs, being responsible, being the strong one, holding everything together.

And sometimes I wonder who was holding me together. (I know the answer – my awesome, loving husband.)

I miss my father.

Not the estate.

Not the paperwork.

Not the house.

I miss my dad.

I miss the man who existed before the debts, before the reverse mortgage, before probate, before family conflict turned every conversation into a negotiation.

I wish I could remember him without immediately thinking about legal documents and financial statements.

I wish his memory wasn’t tangled up in stress and obligation.

I wish this chapter had ended differently.

Most days, I keep moving because I don’t know what else to do.

I check another box.

File another document.

Answer another email.

Make another phone call.

And I tell myself that eventually there will be an end.

But if I’m honest, there are moments when I lose sight of that end completely.

Moments when I sit quietly and wonder how much longer I can carry this weight.

Moments when I feel forgotten.

Moments when I feel used.

Moments when I feel like the cost of doing the right thing has been far greater than anyone realizes.

The house has sold.

The estate is almost finished.

Yet I still don’t feel free.

I feel sad.

I feel worn out.

I feel disappointed.

I feel angry.

I feel heartbroken by what grief, money, and responsibility can do to a family.

And some days, after all this time, I simply sit with the overwhelming thought that I have given so much of myself to this process that I am no longer sure how much is left.

I know I will get through it.

I always do.

But right now, I am tired.

So very, very tired.

***Yes, I know that if certain people read this, they will be upset. I might worry if I thought that any of them would read this, but I know they won’t. That just adds to my sadness.

Fool me once…

I do believe in second chances. If I give you a second chance and you play me, you will not get a third chance.

Recently, I gave someone who has already had a second chance, a third chance. I won’t happen again. While I was puzzling out the clues that I was being played, once again…I remembered some other times that you were given “second chances”.

Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

It will not happen again.

I don’t…

  • hate people who think differently from me
  • hate people who worship differently from me
  • hate people who look different
  • hate people who love differently from me
  • hate people who have more/less money than me
  • hate people who are from other countries
  • hate people who speak differently
  • hate people who vote differently from me
  • hate people who don’t act the same way I do
  • hate people who hate people
  • hate

I do…

  • try to spread positivity
  • treat all people with kindness
  • try to lead by example
  • smile at strangers
  • pray for people I don’t know
  • give hugs when needed

I hope…

  • I give a good example of kindness and positivity for others
  • people forgive me when I am wrong (which is often)
  • no one hates me for not hating other people
  • I can lift people’s spirits

This week has been rough…

  • A young woman murdered in cold blood in front of people who didn’t step in.
  • A young father murdered for his faith and people celebrating
  • Bodies found in the trunks of impounded vehicles in CA
  • Wars
  • Genocide
  • Babies starving
  • Shootings at colleges and weapons brought to school by young kids
  • The 24th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. It never gets better. I’ll never forget.

I pray…

  • for peace
  • that people affected by violence find healing, physically, mentally, and spiritually
  • for people who have health challenges
  • for people who are suffering through a mental health crisis
  • for the children who have grown up only knowing war, poverty, hatred, and greed
  • for children who find it normal to see people killed on social media (can we please stop that?)
  • for the parents, grandparents, and great grandparents who worry about the world they are leaving their children and future generations
  • for healing when my heart hurts from current events and the suffering going on in the world
  • that we haven’t completely ruined the environment and we can turn things around

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,
for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the land.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the clean in heart,
for they will see God. 

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God. 

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Thanks for reading.

Don’t tell me how to grieve

So, you’ve moved on and life is back to normal. Good for you.

I am still grieving. In my own way. We are not the same and, therefore, do not grieve the same. I’m happy you have moved through all the stages of grief and are doing well. I have not and you can’t tell me where I should be or how I should honor the memory of the people I have lost.

Have you checked to see how other grievers are doing? Have you responded to messages they have sent checking on YOU? No? Well, that says a LOT about you!

Don’t tell me not to post “happy heavenly birthday” or “happy (name a holiday) in heaven”. This is how I keep my happy memories alive. I’m going to go and remember the happy memories. I wish one of you could remember with me. But you have moved on.

Clearing the Garden

My mind is a garden, tender and wide,
where bright blooms flourish when given the sky.
But shadows creep in, with thorn and with weed,
draining the roots of the light that I need.

I’ve learned to be gentle, yet firm with my ground,
to pull up the voices that drag spirits down.
The ones who bring poison, resentment, and spite,
I lay at the gate, and I turn toward the light.

For peace is a harvest, not gathered by chance,
but grown when we guard what deserves to advance.
In silence and sunlight, the soul can repair—
once freed from the weight of a toxic despair.

So I tend to my garden with patience and care,
inviting in kindness, refusing what tears.
For preserving my spirit means learning to see:
Not all who approach are meant to grow with me.

*** I haven’t been online much, unless I’ve been working on things. I haven’t been in the mood or in the correct space to share my thoughts and feelings. The past 4 months have been a challenge and continue to wear me down. However, I have decided to weed my garden of negativity and poison, and plant beauty, kindness, and love in their place.

Grief sucks. Grief brings out the best and the worst in us. I choose to turn my grief into positive memories. It will take a while, but I’m determined to remember to be kind and not let other’s actions and words ruin my happy memories.

Miss you Mom and Dad.

Brutus

Nibbles – also known as Brutus

Today my snuggle buddy went over the rainbow bridge to play with all the other pets we’ve ever had in our lifetime. He is with the dog who picked him out – Buddy.

Brutus and Buddy – BFFS

He is probably annoying his sister, Kimmi. She will whack him in the head.

Kimmi ignoring Brutus

And all the other beloved pets who have passed.

For a cat that didn’t like me at first, he certainly came around.

Brutus’ favorite spot

Rest in peace my loving fur-ball. You were a great cat and an even better friend.

September 28, 2023 – One year

It has been one year since Hurricane Ian brought death and devastation to Southwest Florida and the recovery is slow but it is ongoing. To me it feels like we will never recover. I could tell you about my experience but I think that conversation would be better if I had it with my therapist…

My personal observations:

1. There are so many blue tarped roofs out there.

2. People forget that the same people helping with the recovery in the community are dealing with damages from the same storm.

3. A lot of people are living only parts of their houses. I know one guy who can only use one bathroom and his living room. Heart breaking.

4. Holes in houses raise your electric bill. (FACT)

5. For every person who moves out of the area it feels like six more move in.

6. Feels like it was just yesterday.

7. People who take advantage of those dealing with the aftermath have a special place reserved for them in hell.

8. I hear from a lot of people who are stuck here due to the financial devastation that Hurricane Ian brought to their lives. I know how they feel. I’d leave FL if I could afford to.

9. I cry at least once a week about Hurricane Ian’s effect on my life.

Hurricane Ian – that blue dot is where we live

I guess today is this week’s day to cry.

Thanks for reading.